I have taken the liberty of creating of this job listing for the Redskins free of charge for a new position they apparently need filled:
The Washington Redskins, celebrating their 75th anniversary in the NFL, and one of the most celebrated franchises in the NFL are looking to add to their decorated coaching staff and fill the new position of
Time Management Coordinator
Duties of this new position will include:
- Distribution of time-outs
- The ability to yell into the head coaches headset to ‘FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HURRY UP’ when the coaching staff into a 45 second conference to decide what to do on a 4th down play when the team only has a 40 second play clock to decide.
- Control of the ‘challenge flag’ to prevent the team from making ridiculous challenges on every fumble that goes against the Redskins.
- Take over decision making in the last two minutes of the 1st half, so our young QB can get some experience running a two minute drill in a non-pressure packed situation instead of kneeling and running draw plays every freaking time to run out the clock and then looking like he has no idea what he’s doing when we choke away another late lead and need to drive down the field to score with no timeouts because we blew them all on useless challenges and 4th down decisions where we couldn’t make up our mind.
To qualify for this position you should:
- Be over sixty or relate well with old people.
- Work well in groups, very large groups, in fact, the largest group in the NFL
- Be ridiculously loyal to older players who’ve obviously lost it when there is a younger and better player waiting in the wings.
Be a “True Redskin”.
Any interested parties should forward their resume to Redskins Park. We thank all applicants for their interest but only the super-smart will be contacted for interviews.